Selfish

I was laying in bed last night reading my book on adoption and the section I was reading was on building healthy adoptive families.  The chapter, and really the whole book for that matter, has been talking about making the child aware from a very early age that they are adopted and to make it an open conversation in the household.  To me, that's fine.  I don't want to keep secrets from the child because that will only hurt our relationship when the truth comes out.  However, all of these things I'm reading keep making it seem as if I should be pushing the subject and making the child's entire identity.  I'm not sure if that's what they intend or if I'm interpreting it wrong but that's how it seems to me.  I want my child to know they were adopted, of course, because it is part of who they are, but I don't want to make it ALL of who they are.  I don't want it to detract from me being their mother and making sure they know they are loved and that Dave and I are their family forever.

I also realized I don't like sharing certain things, and one of them will be my child.  One of the things required by our adoption process is that we have to send at least pictures and letters to the birth mother 1-2 times per year and possibly extending that to include emails, phone calls and visits.  The pictures and letters I'm fine with because I can certainly understand wanting to know your child is happy and loved.  We haven't chosen to do a fully open adoption because we don't want possible unexpected visits.  I guess, to be blunt, we just want to a chance to be parents without having to share.  Maybe I'll feel differently once the adoption occurs and we're actually in the middle of everything, but for now I am just feeling like I want to act like a little kid and say "No!".  People who adopt are forced to make so many concessions to be parents and sometimes it seems so flipping unfair to me.  I'm sincerely hoping that I'll feel differently when it's all said and done, but only time will.  Hopefully I'll remember to update the blog when that happens so you all can know if my feelings changed or not :).